they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
