Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
