Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
