Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
