I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
