Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Randomize
