I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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