Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
