i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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