I'm so fucking centered right now
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
