After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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