i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
