just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
