i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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