Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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