There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
