I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
