i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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