i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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