god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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