$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
