how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
