The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
