Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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