I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
