i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
