Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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