Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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