omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
