Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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