Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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