I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
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