I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
