how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
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