I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
