I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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