I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
