You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
