So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
