All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
