The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
