he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Your penis caused this!
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
