bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
