ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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