He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
he laminated a picture of his dick.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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