Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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