Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
