we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
