Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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