New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
